10 Relationship-Killing Money Phrases to Avoid

When talking about their relationship, people understandably prefer to focus on love than finances. But many of those relationships suffer due to the way they talk about money.

Here is a typical example. You earn more than your partner and therefore may feel you should get to spend more or have a greater say in financial decisions. You might not realise it, but you are implying that you are more important than your partner in the relationship. 

This assumption doesn’t take into consideration the valuable role the other person fulfills, such as taking care of the kids, running the house, keeping the family healthy, etc.

The real issue is not money, it's the power imbalance which often hides behind financial arguments.

But that's not the only problem. Fear of confrontation, lack of confidence or accountability, and other harmful relationship dynamics impact how we approach and talk about money.

The way we talk about money says a lot about the way we live our romantic relationships.

In his work helping couples get more from their money, our very own Sherpa, Vince Scully, has identified a collection of relationship-damaging money phrases people often use.

We’ve put them together in this article, so you can avoid them and make sure your romantic date is all about champagne and strawberries, and not money arguments!

Photo by cottonbro

10 Relationship-killing Money Phrases

10. “You don’t earn enough”

This is quite different from “we don’t make enough as a couple”, which is all too common these days.

Rather, this implies that “the cause of our financial problems is that you don’t make enough money”.

Most likely, this will make your partner feel ashamed. It can also make them feel like they are not trying hard enough to contribute their share.

Regardless of your specific circumstances, belittling your partner’s income or work ethic can damage their self-esteem and make them feel less loved.

What you both need is a teammate you can trust to take on the world together.

9. “I get to spend more because I earn more”

Using these words is a quick way to erode trust and create a power imbalance.

Power, control, security and trust are the key drivers of financial behavior. Power imbalances are often at the heart of money conflicts in relationships. 

Such imbalances can often be the start of the slippery slope to financial abuse. 

A healthy relationship does not depend on power.

8. “It’s not your business what I spend money on”

In a committed relationship, there really shouldn’t be anything you feel embarrassed about. This doesn’t mean you must report the details of every cent you spend. Nor is it an excuse for one partner to exert control over the other by monitoring or controlling their spending.

But shared finances mean you both have a right to know where the money is going, at least in a general sense.

Sure, there is nothing less romantic than a surprise gift paid for from the joint account! That’s why you and your partner should keep separate accounts for personal spending. Each month, you can transfer the amount you both agreed on to spend as you see fit — no questions, no guilt, no remorse.

7. “How could you not know about {insert financial concept}”

Few of us have been taught how to deal with money. Most financial matters are complicated and because they involve deep emotions, it can be tough dealing with them in real life. So don’t make it harder by belittling your partner’s knowledge or lack of it.

There is no shame about not understanding technical jargon that you don’t come across every day. Treat it as an opportunity to learn together… at the slowest person’s pace.

Importantly, just don’t do stuff you don’t understand. Don’t be afraid to ask questions and seek professional help, especially when it comes to debt, insurance, super, investing and buying your home or investment property.

You need to understand what’s going on. Keep talking and questioning until you both are fully clear and agree.

6. “It’s stupid that you waste money on {insert indulgence}”

Everyone has their own quirks when it comes to spending. Whether that is a shoe collection that would make Carrie Bradshaw jealous or the latest in gaming consoles. You are both entitled to your pleasures without judgment or shaming.

But in practice, whatever you spend, your partner also spends, as your purchases impact what’s left for you both to enjoy.

The two of you need to decide about what brings you joy — both of you must have it. Seek to align rather than compromise. Build a budget that achieves your shared goals and leaves each of you with enough for your personal indulgences.

So, get used to your differences. Embrace them. Use the conversation to build a better life together.

5. “Why don’t you sort it out? You’re the accountant”

Most people don’t realise that there is an enormous difference between managing budgets at work and managing your personal budget. It is a great source of shame and guilt among many professionals. 

They think that because they do well at work, they should easily be able to manage their personal or family budget. This can negatively impact their self-worth and become debilitating.

You see, when it comes to our own money, emotions get involved. It’s not just about numbers and dollars. It ties into our whole emotional wellbeing.

You need to work together and support each other.

4. “Forgiveness is easier to get than permission”

Doing something and seeking forgiveness afterwards is often justified with this expression. This may work with your boss at work, but it can be insidious in a relationship. Presenting a decision to your boss as a fait accompli can be an easy way to navigate complex corporate approval processes, but at home, it can be disastrous.

The question to ask yourself is: why do you feel you need permission or forgiveness?

If you and your partner have separate accounts for personal spending (the ones I mentioned earlier) you should be free to spend within the agreed limits.

Does the item you want cost more than this agreed amount? If so, it’s likely that your spending will affect your ability to achieve your joint goals. 

Does this purchase feel more important to you than achieving your goals as a couple? If so, it’s probably time to revisit your goals. 

If this purchase is important to you, why haven’t you discussed it with your partner when setting your budget?

You need to understand why you feel you can’t talk about it. Do you think your partner won’t understand or approve? Why?

Remember: there is no place for shame nor secrets in a relationship.

“If you choose money over love, you will always be poor.”

— Unknown

You’ve just read seven of the ten most insidious phrases that should be avoided when talking about money in a relationship. Have you used or heard any of them? 

Wait to answer until you discover the top three. They may seem harmless, but they usually hide something more sinister to watch out for. 

Want to know what they are? Find them in Vince Scully's eBook 10 Marriage-Killing Money Phrases to Avoid.

Click below to get the FREE eBOOK.